rowwrrr is dead

... she killed herself this morning.

i am mortal

i cried last night.
i already had this speech in my head. i told myself i was going to be all tough on you and that if you bucked, i'd stand my ground. at first, you were angry. i expected that. but what you said next i didn't.

"you tell me "i love you" but then you push me away."

i was so wrapped up in my own pain that i never took yours into consideration. my god.

...something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn’t give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be. [more...]

you sounded so cold on the phone a few hours ago when i called to chat with your niece, my goddaughter. i have no right to take that against you. nor do i have the right to demand your friendship.

i do not know how to end this entry or close this chapter of my life. so there.

scarred

it was unnerving, finally hearing from you and reading the message you sent.

i look out the window and stare at the roof. i remember when we used to crawl to the edges and lay there on the uneven surface, not caring if the roof was dirty or if it was muggy or if my neighbors were looking at us like we were freaks. what mattered were the stars and the constellations and that we were together. we'd stay for hours until mom screamed at us to get off or the mosquitoes have had their fill.
i remember the time we had a picnic and we both fell asleep. the car was a few meters away and we left the keys in the ignition. what if someone ran off with the benz? haha. our parents would have killed us, but we didn't care, did we?
we did the stupidest things. we'd trade socks just for the heck of it. i'd slip your used shirt on my pillow just so i could fall asleep with "you" in my arms. i loved how you smell of baby powder and shampoo under Fahrenheit.
you loved naps. like a cat, you'd nod off on my lap while i played with your hair. i was fascinated with the shape of your nose and how you woke up, opening one eye first, peeking at me, and then finally opening both your beautiful eyes with those girly lashes. i saw the world in them.
i remember asking myself what good i did to deserve you. i remember mom telling me that you actually went to where she was hanging out with her friends, talked to her about your good intentions, drove her home, opened the gate for dad at 5 in the morning, all this while i was snoring my butt off in my room, oblivious to the most pivotal event in our relationship.
we should have kept us to ourselves. but we wanted so much to let everyone know about us. we wanted so much for them to witness our happiness that they got in the way. everyone and everything got in the way.

funny how i start remembering things just when i thought... nothing.
i'm scarred for life.

sleepless

just when i start to doze off, i am reminded of you. i get cold all over and i am forced to get up from bed. i light a cigarette while shushing the whisper of guilt that you hate it when i sneak a smoke. you hate it when we go out and i teasingly say that i want a cold beer to go with my chicken. so i order a coke instead. you hate it when i want to hold your hand while walking around the mall. so you take my frickin' elbow. you hate it when i make goo-goo eyes at you in front of other people. so i've learned to arch my eyebrows simultaneously, hey, even successively, and look like i'm really into what you're saying. i even taught myself to dig the pc games you so loved just so we had something more in common. well, isn't that what i'm supposed to do? make myself into the barbie doll of your dreams?
like the fool that i've always been for you, i took it all in stride. love was a sacrifice, right? seven years and six months of pseudo-happiness. i must admit it wasn't always this way. i used to be actually happy. i WAS actually happy with just following you around like a stupid puppy, so the lousy cliché goes. but i'm not a barbie doll. i'm not even the skinny type. well, i used to be until nuggets and french fries were all i ate for lunch at work. i'm sure you wouldn't believe me that i starved myself to death just to look like your friends' girlfriends who discuss lipstick brands like they were talking about the latest Bush-Kerry debate. haha. i had a 22-in. waistline then. i haven't even weighed myself recently so pardon me if i'm as big as a cow. it was hard pretending not to be smart, and to know all about what's in the latest issue of Cosmo or Vogue when i'm the most fashion-stupid person around.
but no. that's all in the past. i'm on my seventh cigarette and it's almost 2am in the morning. i still have to go to work in a few hours. i'm trying so hard right now to recall the dies felices (happy days) but my mind draws a blank. i convince myself that i'm not affected by your not calling nor coming over. unfortunately, i am. but i'm so scared to pick up the phone and call you and break it to you gently that "I (truly) AM NOT HAPPY ANYMORE". knowing that when i do, you'd be all "hi skie!" like nothing happened and you'd just shrug off my "i'm not happy anymore" spiel. it's been a vicious cycle and we both know it. it has to end sometime. soon is best.
i'm lighting my last cigarette. raccoon eyes isn't a fashion trend nowadays.

experientia docet stultos

you knew exactly how to hurt me.
you wielded my affection like a sword.
i let my guard down and you struck me.
but i forgave you.

"naah. i'm good."

my favorite line.
no more questions.

earth horse

listening to: liteswitch on 88.3
i can't live without...my coca-cola fix.
if only i could...i'd be out of the house and on the road to anywhere.
i don't want to be...lonely, but that doesn't mean i don't relish quality time with myself.
i want to meet...the real van wilder.
i want to be...a hitchhiker or, even better, a host on one of discovery channel's travel shows.
i want to eat...strawberry ice cream. haagen-dazs.
i miss my...best friend, tetch.
i dream about...independence.
i want to get...sugar-high.
i'm planning to have...a looong vacation. impossible you say? hah. i'm getting to it.
i want to change my...sleeping habits.
i want to quit...smoking. not.
i love my...laughter. it's contagious.
i hate...airheads.
i'm proud to be...me.
i'm not regretting my...past. i'm stronger because of it.
tomorrow i'm going to...work. darnit.

too laid back to blog. more about me, the earth horse, here.

closure

so this is what it's like. nobody told me it would be this hard. even the nightly pep talks from tetch couldn't have prepared me for this. i am so anxious to pick up the phone and dial his number, yet i fear being greeted by the dreaded busy tone. i don't want to end 7 years over the gray phone in the living room. 7 years, 6 months and blah blah days. it's our monthsary on the 14th. beer couldn't save me now. i need to get out of the house but i couldn't. sheesh. i wouldn't get far with only a hundred bucks in my pocket. updates soon.

signs

nobody could have said it better than quentin tarantino...
"when you are tired of relationships, try a romance."

bridge

no, i'm not pasting any of their lyrics here, but bridge's johnoy was magnanimous enough to drop by (in homeboy glamor) for a little chitchat and pseudo-counseling after i told him about how sapul their Kahit Na, Uncertainty, and April Fools were. yuck. he was my dr. love last night. harhar.
seems like everyone has the same opinion. have i been away long? i suppose 7 years off the dating circle IS awfully un-short.
it scares me to take the first step.
raaackstaars and their new age relationships. bah.

the pilot

how apt.

Saint Exupery's 'The Little Prince' Quiz.

flight mode

"i kill you! i kill you!"
it seems this threat isn't effective on ym. that guy's incorrigible. he'd greet me "hey!" and promptly starts asking really nosy (and sometimes painful) questions and wouldn't let up. tell me i'm wrong. jeezus. i swear he's the devil's advocate. good thing he doesn't know my mobile or i'm sure he'll be bugging me everytime he's on a break. sheesh. well, i put my phone on flight mode just in case.

april fools

today's reading
health: moderate. getting worse promptly.
physical: beaten.
emotional: high.
intellectual: er... but it's getting better!
i'm 9695 days old today. wonder what to do with that piece of crap.

went to 70's last night to watch bridge and stonefree. got into an unspoken "whoever drinks fastest wins!" thing with a couple of friends from work even before the gig started. i just wanted an excuse to get wasted. muhahaha.

SOS

ok. i'm tired of talking in riddles. i never run out of things to say, i just run out of ways to say them.
made an SOS call to my best friend, tetch. no gurly chitchat. i used to be the one giving her advice and now i'm seeking hers.
gave her the 411 on my lovelife. better done with a couple of cold beers but manageable on the phone. we figured i needed freedom. not another relationship. no commitments. she told me i wasn't being fair to myself or to anyone for that matter.
more on this. i'm going home.

the lack of it

i defy the night.
i rule the morning.
i am legend.
i am god.
i am powerless.

noir

i don't ask to be rescued.
i'm used to gasps of freedom.
ive wakened from sleepless nights.
i'm queen of the full moon.
desperation my kingdom.
loneliness my king.
i dream of running.
yet i rise to the dawn.
hey, morpheus, do your magic.
let me breathe my brand of air.

unos

it's raining affection.
i'm seeking shelter.
i hate getting wet.