alea iacta est

of tears and abandonment

2010-11-29T19:39:00.002+08:00

you took my hand, led me down a flower-lined path, promising me eternity.
through the twists and turns, the flowers grew thorns; they pricked and drew blood.
i took no heed, endured the million stings, because you were looking too far ahead to notice.
and then at once the path stopped, with nary a fork to guide us.
you let go of my hand, went on walking, you didn't even look back to see if i was following.
i stared at your figure, getting smaller and smaller; i was too dumbfounded and lost and abandoned to make my own step.

aut vincere aut mori

2010-11-28T22:05:00.003+08:00

it's been two weeks.
i coast along in vodka-sprite-induced lucidity, hating the long days and the even longer nights.

there is no sleep for the weak and even less for the dying.

i have made friends with alcohol, but i have not made peace with it yet.
the constant need for the anesthesia brought on by triple-distilled spirits is creating a dependency i am still denying.

my right hand is bruised from an attempt to inflict pain on the wall--
innocent witness to my self-destruction.

i have lost all instinct of self-preservation, self-respect.
i have no love left to my name.

hey boy, a bucket of ice and your best, please.

a fortiori

2010-11-03T11:06:00.004+08:00

seeking solace and solitude in song.

horrid habit

2010-11-03T10:54:00.000+08:00

pakdatshet

2008-07-17T08:43:00.000+08:00

Click to zoom in.

CokeDunhill LightsMegamall

2008-06-23T10:28:00.000+08:00

dati coke ang best friend ko.
ngayon may kabarkada na sha. minsan.
dunhill lights.
di ko naman yosi yan. impluwensya na rin ni mylee at...

dyaraaan!

hindi-ako-marunong-tumawid-mag-isa-papuntang-megamall-para-bumili-ng-marlboro-lights.

lumabas ang katotohanan *dyahe* buking

haay megamall.
so near yet so far.

shut up you.

Pew! Pew!

2008-04-18T04:21:00.000+08:00

Ouch. Tinamaan ka ba?
AHECHU.
Fwends ko lang meh alam nyan. Haha.
Not that you're missing out on anything by not being my friend.
You're so lost in your little world that you're oblivious to everyone else.
Kala mo naman special suman ka.
Asah.
Isawsaw ka man sa asukal, kahit langgam tatanggihan ka.
Awa na lang ako sayo, wala kseng magkamaling pumatol.
Hihihi. Ansamako.
Sha, sha, tama na't baka pa makarma.
See you soon!

nike air max 360 II sl

2008-02-15T14:59:00.003+08:00

instead of flowers for v-day i got new kicks! and they're pink!

incendiaire

2008-01-22T02:18:00.000+08:00

trying to light a fire with a box of wet matches
the red phosphorus crumbling into useless powder
i sit on my throne while contemplating
armies to lead and kingdoms to conquer

a wisp of smoke, a little hope

*pfft*

my despair is matchless.

My.job.sucks

2007-11-21T15:54:00.001+08:00

superheroes and coffeebreaks

2007-11-19T15:33:00.001+08:00

i miss my old job and the funnies that go with it.

uhm.

2007-11-18T02:16:00.000+08:00

december

2007-11-18T02:04:00.000+08:00

christmas is just around the corner.
Night is catching up with Day faster.
2007 is about to end and
i have yet to find the time to do --
a gazillion things -
like shopping,
early spring cleaning...
and actually feeling christmas.

it's come differently this year.
a little quietly.
stealthy little --
holiday cheer...

how i've been feeling lately

2007-11-06T11:18:00.001+08:00

i just had to post this

2007-06-27T02:26:00.000+08:00

50 Mistakes Women Make When Having Sex

Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is the hot. It depends on the situation.
Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.
Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that s**t. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.
Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That s**t is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the s**t that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that s**t, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.
Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.
Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that s**t if you want him to spend any time down there.
Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.
Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".
Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.
Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.
Undressing in the dark. If youre shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.
Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.
Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.
Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all #@%*ing surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big #@%*ing deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.
Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.
Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.
Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.
Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty #@%* you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.
Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).
Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.
Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.
Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really #@%*ing you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.
Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.
Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

So many of them ring true it's hard to choose a favorite.

tumblr = rowwrrr lite

2007-03-30T03:09:00.000+08:00

bwishet

2007-03-30T03:04:00.000+08:00

now what the hell am i supposed to do at work?!

fac ut gaudeam.

2007-03-28T03:00:00.000+08:00

Had ~~a couple of~~ beers with an old friend.
Felt good.
Realized that a little quality time goes a long way.

Though a little woozy from the alcohol, it's all clear that I have better priorities.

03.21.07

2007-03-21T21:54:00.000+08:00

i've had my share of bad birthdays, but this one takes the cake.

*keeping it to myself*

my boss being funny.

2007-03-21T09:48:00.000+08:00

trust me, he's not.

Secret Online Multiply Stores in Manila

2007-03-20T01:29:00.001+08:00

This is patience paying off --

Shopping is not my forte. But I can sense a hot trend from a mile away and online stores are booming in Manila. Specifically, online multiply stores selling accessories and jewelries. These stores are hot, convenient and addicting! The smart women shoppers are now turning into these online stores to shop conveniently at home and get fabulous finds that you can't even see in tiangge's or actual physical store. The mode of payment is cash either via depositing in a bank account or via G-cash. The jewelries are delivered directly to your home and returning them is very convenient via the store's preferred carrier. These fabulous sites are passed on through word of mouth via blogs and other "multipliers".

Just a word of caution, for the lady readers, these sites are addicting. You can waste time and money just by visiting these sites. For the men readers, these are good sites to buy jewelries or accessories for your special someone. You can ask your friends to choose them for you, in the comforts of your computer.

There are hundreds of multiply sites out there because it is free, it is easy to setup, and you can customize it to the theme that you like. To save you from the trouble of finding out which are the hot and trusted ones, these are so far the top 10 Secret Online Multiply Stores!!

Yeah, we're at the 13th spot but what the heck!
Quoted from Our Awesome Planet

conundrum

2007-03-17T05:41:00.000+08:00

a snippet from a conversation at work:

ra*********ap: pot belly pig? seriously? some one has a pot bellied pig as a pet never would have guessed... then again half of male population have pot bellies. does that make them our pets?

lolz.

2007-03-16T11:55:00.000+08:00

i know right from wrong.
i just prefer wrong.

moochr

2007-03-14T01:24:00.000+08:00

wondering why i "missed" the letter e?
it's web 2.0.

no matter how different i spell it, you are still a moochr.
you mooch off my lunch.
my ciggies.
my patience.

2nd generation leech.

nullo metro compositum est

2007-03-01T05:49:00.000+08:00

did you finally get the chance to kick off your shoes
run on the sand towards the sunset
then walk on the shore
shield your face from the blazing sun
and blink away the tears that sting?

sunsets aren't always perfect.

night shift

2007-02-10T01:30:00.000+08:00

hot vendo machine milo gives me gas.
a can of coke at 2 in the morning is ineffective against Hypnos and his sons.
my toes miss snuggling under warm fur.
moonless nights are beautiful outside the glass windows of ministop.
thank God for hardcore yosi buddies.

hide and seek - imogen heap

2007-01-19T04:16:00.001+08:00

where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just begun to form
crop circles in the carpet
sinking, feeling

spin me 'round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moments hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears
they were here first

Mmmm what d'ya say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm what d'ya say,
Mmmm that's all for the best?
of course it is
Mmmm what d'ya say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
Mmmm what d'ya say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling
no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
midsweet talk, newspaper word cut outs

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling
no, I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
oh no, you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
oh no, you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit

audio, video, disco

2007-01-13T04:05:00.002+08:00

it's interesting how you imagine you know someone really well and then they go and do something and all of a sudden you're looking at a stranger. astig noh?

missing...

2007-01-11T03:59:00.000+08:00

MY FIRST YOSI is sosi

davidoff magnums - Davidoff cigarettes were born to be elite among the cigarettes. No other brand in the world is able to match Davidoff cigarettes' prestige, superior taste and stylishness. The first Davidoff cigarette, the famous Davidoff Magnum, was created by Zino Davidoff exclusively for true tobacco connoisseurs.

BEER KO kaso wala na atang ganito e...

miller genuine draft - bright flavor and a hint of hop fruitiness, followed by a smooth finish that glides over the tongue.

angular momentum

2007-01-04T01:53:00.000+08:00

courtesy of http://www.xkcd.com/
a webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language.

jaune

2006-12-30T05:59:00.000+08:00

... tragic and inexcusable

2006-12-30T05:46:00.000+08:00

Googlism : Teena

hmm

2006-12-28T23:16:00.000+08:00

a hint of saline in an otherwise Eden existence
a crack in a pristine ivory-pale shell
a peek into an eternal depth of loss and sadness and unrequited love
a gasp in an even wave of breathing
a ripple in a silent pablum motion
a pause to blink; to savor and torment a blighted spirit.

... ... ...

2006-12-21T21:46:00.000+08:00

ave atque vale

2006-12-20T15:34:00.000+08:00

we've just met; already i am tired of you.
you pay no heed to others.
yet when you do, you are an endless well of calumny.
you want the world to fall hapless at your feet.
you are angry that it wouldn't give in;
angry that it cruelly etches your loneliness
into the glass walls that keep you within.
farewell.
your infinite sadness is contagious.
i fear for myself.

cum tacent, clamant

2006-12-19T00:55:00.000+08:00

could you hear my thoughts?
they're scrambling one after the other,
impatiently racing to the surface of this lucid moment.
drowning in the smoke, suffering your ignorance.

pssy rd

2006-12-19T00:39:00.000+08:00

my nail color doesn't match my blouse.
i'm trying to preserve the paint on my left pinky.
just shows how careless i am, not how busy.

easily

2006-06-08T15:21:00.000+08:00

i have ignored my mental ramblings for as long as possible.
i guess it's time to get off that pill.

so.
just about now i'm at a loss for words.
i'm trying to speak but i can't.

hold that thought. let me take a long drag on my ciggie first.
uh, yeah. ok, that felt good.

i am at a point in my life where i feel everything is still pointless.
my achievements are that of an underachiever.
i am a loser.

haunting

2006-05-17T19:19:00.000+08:00

i am walking barefoot into a path i chose to forget
the moonlight my only guide.
i pause. and blink. and rub the dust deeper into my eyes.
somehow i'm thankful i'm alone.

"How Could You?"

2006-01-20T13:01:00.000+08:00

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.
My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.
Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.
She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."
As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them, especially their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be.
I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being your dog to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.
Now you have a new career opportunity in another city and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.
I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers."
You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.
After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"
They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.
I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.
She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"
Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.
May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

An excerpt from Jim Willis' book, Pieces Of My Heart

2006-01-14T11:29:00.000+08:00

i've rendered myself broke again.
i'm stricken with chronic ebay-itis.
i buy stuff online armed with the excuse that i could easily resell it on ebay.
i've discovered, the hard way, that that is not exactly true.
i don't actually share the same fashion sense with the rest of the world.
now i have to look for a way to get rid of everything.
well, maybe sell enough junk to buy more garbage.

2005: year in review

2006-01-01T01:44:00.000+08:00

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m shut in my brother’s room in front of the computer when I should be out with my family celebrating (or probably snogging my boyfriend). Maybe it’s because I’m turning 28 this year and finally felt like acting my age that I’ve suddenly turned emo and decide to reflect on the year past.
’05 taught me that even parents aren’t perfect and that they’re also human, but that isn’t an excuse for them to drag their kids into their relationship crises. I’ve learned that no matter how much I convince either parent, neither will believe that I haven’t taken the side of the other.
Absolut Kurant with Sprite in a girlie bar isn't a good mix. Me in a girlie bar with my boss and officemates (all men)... Uh. Yeah. Let's end it there.
Diet and men in the same sentence? Try diet and men in the same office! I'm surrounded with testosterone and it hasn't helped my weight. Especially the fact that when the guys and I lunch out, I end up eating more than I'm supposed to without a female diet buddy around.
Just before Christmas, my phone was stolen. The realization that more than a decade of friendship doesn’t matter to a moocher much less the fact that I loved her enough to confront her and give her the chance to tell me why taught me that ne humanus crede is a perfect personal motto. Losing my phone wasn’t the painful part; it was hearing my friend lie to me, and hearing myself actually trying to make it a painless confession. I felt sick to my stomach learning that I’m just a lousy pushover. The tragedy of it all? She didn’t own up.
I’ve spent 2005 searching for happiness. I honestly didn’t know where to start. I have a good enough paycheck. I get driven to work. I have a scrumptious boyfriend. I can talk hours on end on my mobile because I don’t foot the bill. My work is play (I actually wear flipflops to work). My parents have learned to let me be the adult for once and I can stay out for as long as I want (that’s 3am in their book.). All that and yeah, all right. I admit I am hard to please.
But ’06 is something I can really REALLY look forward to. My boyfriend and I have rented an apartment and in mid-January we’re opening shop. An internet café with couches! Well, just a couple of them though. We’ve decided that this year might not be a good time to tie the knot, maybe being business partners would be like living together. I’ll just keep on telling myself that and find my own brand of happiness. Hmm.

she's still a ghost

2005-12-12T00:47:00.000+08:00

i thought i heard her whisper
felt her breath upon my skin
i reach out to try and touch her; my fingers dispel her presence.

she moves around me in circles
no anchor in this chaotic sea
she swims constantly in whirlpools oblivious to the truth.

i can see her in faint smoke rings
beginning where my breath ends
she disappears just when i thought she was taking flesh.

The TAO of Rowwrrr

2005-11-11T09:27:00.000+08:00

live in the moment.
take a nap in the middle of traffic.
dance in the shower.
steal kisses.
wash and wear.
don't sleep on it.
share food.
clean in between everything.
shop online.
scratch that itch.

and i thought 27 was a good age

2005-08-30T07:44:00.000+08:00

i should be worrying about my wedding date or maybe buying my own condo or going on a trip around the world with my best bud. but i'm stuck trying to deal with my parents' "better-late-than-never" decision to split up. this has been a quarter-life highlight. i wonder if it gets better than this. what can i say? i sure as hell am not supportive of their decision, but hey, whatever floats their boats right? more on this. work calling.

empty house

2005-08-30T07:31:00.000+08:00

I'm coming home to a pile of bricks
painted walls.
i'm coming home to empty rooms
echoing halls.
The walls will talk.
The halls will murmur.
But I will not be listening.
I'm coming home but I won't stay for long.

dang it!

2005-08-24T08:55:00.000+08:00

who has time to blog?! this blog has gone to the dogs. haven't updated it in months. work and my unnatural preference for privacy at present has taken up most of my time. boo :( been keeping myself busy and, sad to say, detached from everyone else. BUT it's nice to know that despite my current status, there are people who remember i exist (or probably wonder if i'm still alive) and text/call/email me. i shall be eternally grateful to my friends who are persistent enough to get me to say yes to whatever it is they have planned.

2005-07-21T05:44:00.000+08:00

rejection kills. disappointment only maims.

dance with me

2005-06-15T10:04:00.000+08:00

the night is ripe for twisting bodies
and flailing arms

dance with me
high in the air
death's music is enchanting

About Me : 2nd installment

2005-05-26T07:27:00.000+08:00

I love hanging out at chic cafes with a supremo or venti non-caffeinated drink in one hand and marlie lights in the other.
I revel in quiet moments and enjoy crowds just as much.
I pretend to be a lot of things; I am a very convincing bluffer.
I would die for snacks. I am fascinated with cookies and peanut butter.
My labrador retriever, Peanut, is my life.

2nd hand lover

2005-05-10T00:49:00.000+08:00

i can't complain
got you at a bargain
price
no more lies
you've been washed
dried
nothing to hide
broken and weary
almost faded
jaded
my 2nd hand lover
tonight
is just right.

depthless

2005-04-28T08:30:00.000+08:00

my blood chills
when you whisper
cold fingers tap a rhythm
my spine vulnerable
to the cadence
i start to imagine
depthless eyes
avidly searching mine

2005-04-23T08:04:00.000+08:00

it's hard
to keep frustration at bay
to convince myself it's ok
to wait
for a tomorrow that will
probably never come.

2005-04-15T04:07:00.000+08:00

fog dragons on my desktop.

yesterday i...

2005-04-15T03:09:00.000+08:00

learned that crispy pata can be very entertaining.
had dinner at Aruba - Metrowalk with 3 of my high school friends.
rediscovered that spur-of-the-moment get-togethers are more fun than planned ones.
found out that age is catching up on you when your friends start talking about old fogeys (eg. tony leviste) sitting across our table instead of the dee-lish younger men swarming all over.
had my fill of vibrators and whatnot at the Pleasure Place.
learned that froth can be as dangerous as the hot latte it tops.
realized that i will always be grateful for friends.

2005-04-14T13:11:00.000+08:00

my baby gurl.

2005-03-22T05:56:00.000+08:00

your eyes are hollow~
empty stare mirroring a broken soul
stricken, you are, with the disease of the dead
you walk the earth a shell of the man you used to be
hope has long abandoned you.

2005-03-17T01:40:00.000+08:00

bruised and calloused
from crawling on my hands and feet
i'm not complaining.
my cheeks are stained and streaked
with age-old tears and grieving
my silence is complete.

wishing on a firefly

2005-03-10T09:37:00.000+08:00

gazing at you from afar
wondering what is wrinkling your brow.
i stare at you
silently commanding your eyes to meet mine.
you lift up your head
you look around like you're lost.
i plead.
i can make you smile.
i can make you mine.
if only.
i'm wishing on a firefly.

lucky duck

2005-01-23T05:30:00.000+08:00

"are you shouting at me?"
"yes i am, you stupid bitch."
-- 7:21pm, Fraser Place.

it's all about choice.

2005-01-23T04:25:00.000+08:00

the spoon falls and the silence is broken.
the silvery sound it made on the floor echoes in my ear.
the syrup glistens on the tiles.
i pick up the slice of mandarin orange but it slides and escapes my thumb and forefinger.
i am distracted from the machinations of my mind.
sigh.
i dread the chore of standing up and getting another spoon.
i sip the syrup from the bowl and eat the remaining fruit with my fingers.
i can live without the spoon.

anathema

2005-01-20T07:36:00.000+08:00

the carnival of the damned is in town and i'm the main event.
the lions will be feasting on me once the last curtain falls and the lights go out.
you left me just when i needed your whip and your overly theatrical voice to protect me from the savages.
all i have is a baton to swat their claws away.

dum spiro, spero.

2005-01-15T02:51:00.000+08:00

the truth is spoken in whispers.

papercut

2005-01-14T09:54:00.000+08:00

it was only half an inch long, but the sting of the papercut reached the tips of my toes. i stuck my ring finger in my mouth, instantly recoiling from the metallic taste of my blood. i pinched the wound, oddly fascinated by the scarlet sliver with a red bead forming at one end. i hiss in pain as my nail slid into the cut, popping the sanguine bubble.

i have a band-aid here somewhere.

da mihi sis cerevisiam dilutam

2005-01-14T03:05:00.000+08:00

i wasn't being selfish. i was being scared.

"order up!"

grr.

2005-01-13T10:31:00.000+08:00

whoo-ee. i'm psychic. my best guy friend's getting married and i feel nasty about it.
i'm admittedly being selfish. i know i'm losing a shoulder to cry on, beer buddy and occasional comic relief. i don't like it one bit because i don't know how to cope with the news. besides, i think vicki hates me.
i'll just wallow in my prehensile state of mind for now.

karma

2005-01-13T09:29:00.000+08:00

I’m sipping a rather ersatz strawberry shake. There’s a crick in my neck that no bodily contortion can cure. I’m supposed to be working but my mind is somewhere else. I’m not yet asleep but I’m already dreaming.

Today sucked. How bad can tomorrow be?

i'm fine pretending that i'm not

2005-01-11T05:33:00.000+08:00

it's monday again and my weekend's shot.
i'm just fine pretending that i'm not.
please hold my hand, you're all i've got.

this is going to be the longest, most agonizing week ever. i'm not up to divulging details. truth serum's not gonna do me any good this time.
and i had pepsi for lunch. that said a lot.

cloned

2005-01-09T00:40:00.000+08:00

"it's a matter of doing the right thing and doing things right."

physiological arousal

2005-01-07T08:38:00.000+08:00

i have been known to lose my temper inappropriately, sometimes regrettably. but when it does count, i'm like a rag doll, all limp and lifeless. i retreat to one corner, rock myself back and forth and rationalize what's not worth rationalizing and make excuses for whatever my anger's directed at.
i have no freedom to wander aimlessly, kick at stones and stare at the endless horizon; my room is my refuge. my frustration pillow's on retirement and i haven't found a replacement yet. it has choked many screams and stemmed torrents of tears and i have, guiltily, taken it for granted.
i must be the perfect medium for rage when i'm really feeling it. i let my emotions commandeer the steering wheel and hit the tree. i take wicked delight in "letting it rip", uncaring who i hurt in the process. i'm remorseful, yes, but that's after the fact.
do i need counseling? not really. i've learned to sense different gradations of my temper and maneuver myself away from going ballistic. oh and that's when my silly switch comes in handy.
a happy new year to you, too.

addendum: spurred by janjanbinks' entry, anger management.

frizzy future

2005-01-06T01:32:00.000+08:00

i'm getting on the rebonding bandwagon just when everyone's getting off. well, you know how i hate crowded rides.
and just when i'm getting ready to climb on, i get sentimental and miss my fluff. maybe i'll regret it and maybe i won't, but i guess i'll procrastinate a little longer... maybe 2 hours. heehee.

knight of pentacles

2004-12-14T02:48:00.000+08:00

Do not let anyone stop you from fulfilling your dreams of lasting love to be part of your life. Keep some feelings to yourself and try to avoid anyone who throws cold water on your emotions. A short but exciting weekend trip with someone you like or love is in store. Lucky number is 47.

7 heartbeats

2004-12-10T14:22:00.000+08:00

7 heartbeats is all it takes to snatch a kiss that can last a lifetime.
7 heartbeats to hold hands with fingers entwined.
7 heartbeats to walk a few steps down memory lane.
7 heartbeats to dance a few steps in the rain.
7 heartbeats to whisper the sweetest 'i love you' in your ear.
7 heartbeats to decide that this is forever.

christmas is a mugger hiding just around the corner

2004-12-01T17:39:00.000+08:00

it's the season for cold, windy nights and crisp mornings. just when i thought i've gotten over my phobia of christmas, i get a reality check. it's back with a vengeance.
uncharacteristic of me, i put up a teensy weensy christmas tree by my workstation in the office. it's a foot and a half high with red and silver tinsel wrapped around it. eew. i'm bringing it home on the 17th and giving it away to someone who values christmas more than i do.
don't get me wrong. i used to love christmas. i guess it's when you feel you're too old for gifts that you start developing a certain bête-noir for it. the tables are turned and you're expected to be handing out parcels to those little devils you call godchildren.
i'm the grinch in pink.

meowrk.

2004-11-28T13:02:00.000+08:00

gawrsh. the cat could've been me talking.

good god! i'm reduced to one-liners!

er...

2004-11-21T10:08:00.000+08:00

the world is a toilet for constipated minds.

golden grrrl ii

2004-11-20T06:39:00.000+08:00

"No doubt about it. A vivacious, positive force like you needs to be represented by a color that warms up any room. That's why Golden Sunrise is the perfect color for you! There's nothing bland about you — in fact many would say you're a lively presence at any gathering! And speaking of gatherings, few are complete unless you can at least make a cameo appearance, spreading smiles, laughter, and sunshine in your wake. People can't help but light up when you walk in a room, which is the secret to how you get so much done in a day. Your sunny disposition makes you a pleasure to do business with, and that's why you're so good at making the world go around — at least your little corner of it. Nice work, Sunrise! So keep spreading those rays wherever you go!"

you try it.

golden grrrl

2004-11-20T06:22:00.000+08:00

"We don't need a psychic to tell us that you're giving off a Gold vibe. You couldn't ask for a better color — a glistening gold aura is as good as it gets. A lively blend of yellow and orange, gold people are happy, playful, energetic, sensitive, and generous. Always up for adventure, you'd give a friend in need the shirt off your back. You're spiritual, too — all those halos in old paintings aren't colored gold by coincidence. Almost childlike in the carefree, joyful way you live your life, you're popular and outgoing with your large circle of friends. Chances are you're so full of light and energy that you sometimes find it hard to sit still and chill out. Instead, you're constantly looking for excitement, no matter how risky or impulsive the occasion. Happy-go-lucky and always laughing, you truly are as good as gold."

i'm fixated with online tests. visit tickle to find out what color YOUR aura is.

stricken

2004-11-19T06:30:00.000+08:00

i've fallen prey to that monthly curse called PMS and i'm walking the tightrope of self-restraint. i'm annoyed at every little sound, every little twitch and it takes incredible willpower (which i'm not privileged to have right now) not to just let everything slide. my cup of soup's helping, though. another 15 days to stick it out. i wonder if 7-11's carrying enough soup packets to last me that long.

virtual reality

2004-11-18T07:29:00.000+08:00

i'm blowing smoke rings
my mind ablaze with memories
taunted by the past.

tainted by the past
i'm painting a future unsure
and my iced latté needs more caffeine.

beat me up, scottie.

2004-11-18T05:27:00.000+08:00

i'm staring at the writings on the wall
that my conscience has written
and is daring me to forget.

will you?

2004-11-18T03:19:00.000+08:00

will you stay with me
and hold my hand
and soothe my fears
until the dawn breaks
and i wake up in your arms

will you sing to me
of rainbows in the sky
and flowers in the summer fields
until the rainfall stops
and the sun dries my tears

gran turismorator

2004-11-17T11:55:00.000+08:00

You scored 10%
You are a respectable tuner. You probably subscribe to one or more tuner magazines and know, quite a bit about your car and/or racing in general. Either that or you play a shitload of GT3. At any rate, you recognize the difference between a wastegate and a blow-off valve. In time, and with practice, you may attain "Racer X" status since it is supposed that you are relatively new to tuning and still have much to learn. Keep, working, and thank the maker that you're not a ricer.

i read car mags in the john and i mess with my brother's gt3 saved games. so, are you a racer or a ricer?

noodles

2004-11-17T07:06:00.000+08:00

my day's pretty mundane. been staring at the pc for five hours. i'm in the office and there's nothing to do. looking out the window would've been more gratifying if it were raining or king kong was climbing up the pacific star. well, the weather's cooperating and king kong's in hollywood so i'm stuck with my workstation.
there's something meditative about slurping my noodles, blasting away at aliens eating my fish, and listening to the ruckus krist's zergs are making on his pc. *sigh*
what is with cup noodles and yuppies? i'm a big fan of instant stuff. instant noodles, just-add-water-and-voila!-you've-got-yang-chow, and anything microwaveable. i brought chopsticks to work for noodle moments.
it's time to be one with the cosmos.

fantasist

2004-11-16T07:40:00.000+08:00

the ultrasound pictures of a pregnant frustrated racecar driver. (i can see myself on the examination table with KY jelly and the ultrasound probe moving over my belly.) this will be a loooong time forthcoming.

muhehehe. moving on. i've only been able to drive for a few months before my driving privileges were revoked. dad thought i was too fragile to be driving on the hell route called edsa. what he never knew: commonwealth, the local speed demon's dream autobahn complete with its own obstacle course of buses, cabs, jeeps and pedestrians, was regular fare for me to sweetie's place. [Cruella_DeVil_on_the_run.jpg goes here.]

sadly, i drove an automatic.

monday misadventure

2004-11-16T06:37:00.000+08:00

my winamp is blasting: metallica's call of ktulu

this is my third attempt at rewriting this entry. what the heck for? i won't call myself a perfectionist but writing is so far the only thing i feel merits perfectionism. i'm a little out of sync with my erudite mojo right now. hmm... i think i should listen to a little bach or beethoven to pick it up. nuh-uh.

i'm stuck at home. i've nothing to do and nowhere to go. it was payday last friday and the cash is still intact (except for that little stumble at the ukay-ukay). the banks are closed just when i'm feeling charitable towards my bank account. my boyfriend's out on a date with my brother. it's a "car + boys with moolah = left-out girlfriend" thing. there's nothing to watch on cable and my other brother hasn't replenished his dvd collection. i choose not to watch the artsy-fartsy films he has a penchant for buying. i'm not that bored. yet.

signing off on: collective soul's shine

fashion deviant strikes again

2004-11-15T11:06:00.000+08:00

shopping (as defined by paulo g.)- opportunity seeking with the funds in hand to generate the most desired profit that will satisfy all the stakeholders
went to megamall to shop but decided it was more fun to check out the local ukay-ukay for fun finds after almost 4 hours of walking around and not being able to buy anything. got me 3 scarves and 2 vintage tops. would post pics but too lazy to do so.
anyyway, this spiral made me dizzy. an interesting piece of collaborative art. See for yourself.

the accidental poet

2004-11-14T14:58:00.000+08:00

"i was a mountain so proud...
... i want you to be the river that flows beside the mountain."

fashion deviant

2004-11-13T10:27:00.000+08:00

i've long gotten off the fashion bandwagon and i hit the ground running. i'd rather not say i'm a fashion victim but i do have two cabinets and a chestful of clothes (more in the laundry bin and strewn all over my room), 2 racks of shoes (more in their boxes), 6 drawers of bags, loads of accessories and a headful of off-kilter ideas. my clothes exist for art's sake. harhar. who am i kidding?
dressing up is always a leisurely preoccupation for an ENFP such as me. there's a touch of romance and theatrics about putting on something really out of whack. i've an innate desire to "shock" or just caffeinate people for the day. heehee. i'd be a corporate mannequin one day, day after that i'm looking like a flaky college girl running off to class. today i'm a band member- all grunge but missing a pair of drum sticks or a really cool Fender. theatrics is the keyword here, people.

spare me

2004-11-13T08:30:00.000+08:00

spare me the apologies.
i'm not listening.
share your heartaches with someone defenseless against the rantings of a psychotic.
i'm immune to trite and melodramatic utterances.

hundred bucks

2004-11-13T05:26:00.000+08:00

original post date: 10.11.2004/3:15pm
sweet. went out last saturday but the hundred bucks never left my pocket. i still have moolah for a tall iced latte at starbs or a couple of beers at aposento. on second thought, i'm swearing off the beer. for now. lousy truth serum.
i'm in a mental rut. there's a lot of stuff to write about but i couldn't make up my mind where to begin. hmm. saturday sounds good.
went to aposento to see liteswitch. their set sounded like my playlist but more mellow- dmb, tonic, and sister hazel queued. my playlist can be as colorful as my vocab with a mishmash of alternative and heavy metal thrown in with reggae, r&b, ambient and whatnot. anyway, i'm digressing.
the night started out with a coca-cola fix at brothers-rockwell. at a quarter to 10, aposento was in the view. nervous as hell, i took my first step (to freedom and everything else). good god! i was swimming in airheads! bwahahaha! this is gonna take some getting used to.
i was mostly quiet the rest of the night but my cheeks ached from laughing. ~~was wary about the arm around my shoulder, but the hand in mine felt good.~~

~~disclaimer: i opt not to elaborate. the magic might fade.~~

addendum: isn't it obvious i was in stupid mode? sheesh.

no title required

2004-11-12T11:23:00.000+08:00

a perfectly normal online conference between professionals:

pale_lips (1:16:16 PM): stands up and applauds
rowwrrr (1:16:32 PM): sits in one corner grumbling
pale_lips (1:16:39 PM): considers investing in mutual funds
Yahoo! Messenger (1:16:41 PM): kapopopoy has joined the conference.
Yahoo! Messenger (1:16:45 PM): jepazdesigntech has joined the conference.
rowwrrr (1:17:52 PM): taps her chin and pretends to be pensive
kapopopoy (1:18:06 PM): huh?
pale_lips (1:18:13 PM): listens attentively
rowwrrr (1:18:15 PM): =))
kapopopoy (1:18:54 PM): :))
pale_lips (1:19:02 PM): screams, "They killed kenny!"
pale_lips (1:19:07 PM): knows that the truth is out there
rowwrrr (1:19:19 PM): is holding the murder weapon
pale_lips (1:20:02 PM): palelips stabs jepazdesigntech
kapopopoy (1:20:25 PM): #:-S
pale_lips (1:21:33 PM): Hey room you can create custom emotions by editing the emote_user.dat file
rowwrrr (1:21:42 PM): huwaat?
kapopopoy (1:22:35 PM): hello
pale_lips (1:23:30 PM): invite pa tayo para mas masaya
pale_lips (1:23:33 PM): :))
rowwrrr (1:23:53 PM): takes jepazdesigntech's pulse and says, "i'm sorry, we can't save him"
pale_lips (1:23:59 PM): yells, "For Crying out loud!"
rowwrrr (1:24:11 PM): =))
pale_lips (1:25:00 PM): ponders, jepazdesign is currently having a deep sleep
jepazdesigntech (1:25:47 PM): I-)
Yahoo! Messenger (1:28:04 PM): jepazdesigntech has left the conference.

my apologies. was a little off today. haven't had my regular coke fix since morning and i'm missing my insaniquarium. looking forward to a late dinner with mum.

rose-red sky

2004-11-12T10:38:00.000+08:00

it's all about snuggles in bed
snatching kisses in between kitty naps in the crook of your arm
or that tiny little corner where your neck meets your shoulder
warm breaths and sweet nuzzling
i love how you taste oddly of my favorite toasted almonds.

the rose-red sky and the rain dance
aphrodisiac for a lovesick me.

truth serum

2004-11-11T11:17:00.000+08:00

original post date: 10.08.2004/11:27pm
truth is at the bottom of the bottle.
when the last drop of amber liquid is poured, truth will abandon its mask of stupor.

addendum: how true, how true.

almost paris

2004-11-11T10:27:00.000+08:00

original post date: 10.14.2004/11:25pm
it's been so long since
someone held my hand like this
someone got to me like this
and it's almost paris.

i'm under your spell.
you wave your wand and grant my wish
i close my eyes and await your kiss
and it's almost paris.

this is my romance.
my life starts and ends in your embrace
it's so much more than happiness
it's almost paris.

addendum: was suffering from undue post-breakup transference syndrome when i wrote this. nyaha.

fiasco

2004-11-10T11:06:00.000+08:00

the past two months was witness to a smorgasbord of bad choices. i chose to bare my sentiments to another person. bad decision. what was supposed to be my second chance at love turned out to be the most harrowing experience of my life. oh well. c'est la vie. i've tripped and gotten up and dusted off my jeans. that's that.

my day could've been worse

2004-11-10T10:28:00.000+08:00

wrote this yesterday while fooling around, endlessly bugging krist for a decent website to visit.

i'm half asleep and i'm counting (bah) in my head.
(O)'s moving as sluggishly as a (sn).
i wish it were (S) and i was at the (ip), looking up at the (*) with a (B) in one hand and a ciggy in the other.
(L) will be (U) while rasta (8) is playing.
but hey, when the (#) comes up, (or when my head accidentally hits the table and i wake up), (C) will rescue me.

after i sent this to him on MSN v6, it was popcap for a little r&r.

addendum: krist sent me to eric conveys an emotion :: adventure edition. muhahaha. it wasn't pretty.

rowwrrr is back!

2004-11-10T02:26:00.000+08:00

resurrected.
took a much needed sabbatical from blogging.
all of my previous posts are in draft mode.
rekindled dying (er... dead?) embers.
heehee! sparks are flying!

rowwrrr is dead

2004-10-19T01:20:00.000+08:00

... she killed herself this morning.

i am mortal

2004-10-18T05:33:00.000+08:00

i cried last night.
i already had this speech in my head. i told myself i was going to be all tough on you and that if you bucked, i'd stand my ground. at first, you were angry. i expected that. but what you said next i didn't.

"you tell me "i love you" but then you push me away."

i was so wrapped up in my own pain that i never took yours into consideration. my god.

...something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn’t give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be. [more...]

you sounded so cold on the phone a few hours ago when i called to chat with your niece, my goddaughter. i have no right to take that against you. nor do i have the right to demand your friendship.

i do not know how to end this entry or close this chapter of my life. so there.