she's still a ghost

i thought i heard her whisper
felt her breath upon my skin
i reach out to try and touch her; my fingers dispel her presence.

she moves around me in circles
no anchor in this chaotic sea
she swims constantly in whirlpools oblivious to the truth.

i can see her in faint smoke rings
beginning where my breath ends
she disappears just when i thought she was taking flesh.

The TAO of Rowwrrr

1. live in the moment.
2. take a nap in the middle of traffic.
3. dance in the shower.
4. steal kisses.
5. wash and wear.
6. don't sleep on it.
7. share food.
8. clean in between everything.
9. shop online.
10. scratch that itch.

and i thought 27 was a good age

i should be worrying about my wedding date or maybe buying my own condo or going on a trip around the world with my best bud. but i'm stuck trying to deal with my parents' "better-late-than-never" decision to split up. this has been a quarter-life highlight. i wonder if it gets better than this. what can i say? i sure as hell am not supportive of their decision, but hey, whatever floats their boats right? more on this. work calling.

empty house

I'm coming home to a pile of bricks
painted walls.
i'm coming home to empty rooms
echoing halls.
The walls will talk.
The halls will murmur.
But I will not be listening.
I'm coming home but I won't stay for long.

dang it!

who has time to blog?! this blog has gone to the dogs. haven't updated it in months. work and my unnatural preference for privacy at present has taken up most of my time. boo :( been keeping myself busy and, sad to say, detached from everyone else. BUT it's nice to know that despite my current status, there are people who remember i exist (or probably wonder if i'm still alive) and text/call/email me. i shall be eternally grateful to my friends who are persistent enough to get me to say yes to whatever it is they have planned.

rejection kills. disappointment only maims.

dance with me

the night is ripe for twisting bodies
and flailing arms

dance with me
high in the air
death's music is enchanting

About Me : 2nd installment

I love hanging out at chic cafes with a supremo or venti non-caffeinated drink in one hand and marlie lights in the other.
I revel in quiet moments and enjoy crowds just as much.
I pretend to be a lot of things; I am a very convincing bluffer.
I would die for snacks. I am fascinated with cookies and peanut butter.
My labrador retriever, Peanut, is my life.

2nd hand lover

i can't complain
got you at a bargain
price
no more lies
you've been washed
dried
nothing to hide
broken and weary
almost faded
jaded
my 2nd hand lover
tonight
is just right.

depthless

my blood chills
when you whisper
cold fingers tap a rhythm
my spine vulnerable
to the cadence
i start to imagine
depthless eyes
avidly searching mine

it's hard
to keep frustration at bay
to convince myself it's ok
to wait
for a tomorrow that will
probably never come.

fog dragons on my desktop.

yesterday i...

1. learned that crispy pata can be very entertaining.
2. had dinner at Aruba - Metrowalk with 3 of my high school friends.
3. rediscovered that spur-of-the-moment get-togethers are more fun than planned ones.
4. found out that age is catching up on you when your friends start talking about old fogeys (eg. tony leviste) sitting across our table instead of the dee-lish younger men swarming all over.
5. had my fill of vibrators and whatnot at the Pleasure Place.
6. learned that froth can be as dangerous as the hot latte it tops.
7. realized that i will always be grateful for friends.

my baby gurl.

your eyes are hollow~
empty stare mirroring a broken soul
stricken, you are, with the disease of the dead
you walk the earth a shell of the man you used to be
hope has long abandoned you.

bruised and calloused
from crawling on my hands and feet
i'm not complaining.
my cheeks are stained and streaked
with age-old tears and grieving
my silence is complete.

wishing on a firefly

gazing at you from afar
wondering what is wrinkling your brow.
i stare at you
silently commanding your eyes to meet mine.
you lift up your head
you look around like you're lost.
i plead.
i can make you smile.
i can make you mine.
if only.
i'm wishing on a firefly.

lucky duck

"are you shouting at me?"
"yes i am, you stupid bitch."
-- 7:21pm, Fraser Place.

it's all about choice.

the spoon falls and the silence is broken.
the silvery sound it made on the floor echoes in my ear.
the syrup glistens on the tiles.
i pick up the slice of mandarin orange but it slides and escapes my thumb and forefinger.
i am distracted from the machinations of my mind.
sigh.
i dread the chore of standing up and getting another spoon.
i sip the syrup from the bowl and eat the remaining fruit with my fingers.
i can live without the spoon.

anathema

the carnival of the damned is in town and i'm the main event.
the lions will be feasting on me once the last curtain falls and the lights go out.
you left me just when i needed your whip and your overly theatrical voice to protect me from the savages.
all i have is a baton to swat their claws away.

dum spiro, spero.

the truth is spoken in whispers.

papercut

it was only half an inch long, but the sting of the papercut reached the tips of my toes. i stuck my ring finger in my mouth, instantly recoiling from the metallic taste of my blood. i pinched the wound, oddly fascinated by the scarlet sliver with a red bead forming at one end. i hiss in pain as my nail slid into the cut, popping the sanguine bubble.

i have a band-aid here somewhere.

da mihi sis cerevisiam dilutam

i wasn't being selfish. i was being scared.

"order up!"

grr.

whoo-ee. i'm psychic. my best guy friend's getting married and i feel nasty about it.
i'm admittedly being selfish. i know i'm losing a shoulder to cry on, beer buddy and occasional comic relief. i don't like it one bit because i don't know how to cope with the news. besides, i think vicki hates me.
i'll just wallow in my prehensile state of mind for now.

karma

I’m sipping a rather ersatz strawberry shake. There’s a crick in my neck that no bodily contortion can cure. I’m supposed to be working but my mind is somewhere else. I’m not yet asleep but I’m already dreaming.

Today sucked. How bad can tomorrow be?

i'm fine pretending that i'm not

it's monday again and my weekend's shot.
i'm just fine pretending that i'm not.
please hold my hand, you're all i've got.

this is going to be the longest, most agonizing week ever. i'm not up to divulging details. truth serum's not gonna do me any good this time.
and i had pepsi for lunch. that said a lot.

cloned

"it's a matter of doing the right thing and doing things right."

physiological arousal

i have been known to lose my temper inappropriately, sometimes regrettably. but when it does count, i'm like a rag doll, all limp and lifeless. i retreat to one corner, rock myself back and forth and rationalize what's not worth rationalizing and make excuses for whatever my anger's directed at.
i have no freedom to wander aimlessly, kick at stones and stare at the endless horizon; my room is my refuge. my frustration pillow's on retirement and i haven't found a replacement yet. it has choked many screams and stemmed torrents of tears and i have, guiltily, taken it for granted.
i must be the perfect medium for rage when i'm really feeling it. i let my emotions commandeer the steering wheel and hit the tree. i take wicked delight in "letting it rip", uncaring who i hurt in the process. i'm remorseful, yes, but that's after the fact.
do i need counseling? not really. i've learned to sense different gradations of my temper and maneuver myself away from going ballistic. oh and that's when my silly switch comes in handy.
a happy new year to you, too.

addendum: spurred by janjanbinks' entry, anger management.

frizzy future

i'm getting on the rebonding bandwagon just when everyone's getting off. well, you know how i hate crowded rides.
and just when i'm getting ready to climb on, i get sentimental and miss my fluff. maybe i'll regret it and maybe i won't, but i guess i'll procrastinate a little longer... maybe 2 hours. heehee.