7 heartbeats is all it takes to snatch a kiss that can last a lifetime.
7 heartbeats to hold hands with fingers entwined.
7 heartbeats to walk a few steps down memory lane.
7 heartbeats to dance a few steps in the rain.
7 heartbeats to whisper the sweetest 'i love you' in your ear.
7 heartbeats to decide that this is forever.
it's the season for cold, windy nights and crisp mornings. just when i thought i've gotten over my phobia of christmas, i get a reality check. it's back with a vengeance.
uncharacteristic of me, i put up a teensy weensy christmas tree by my workstation in the office. it's a foot and a half high with red and silver tinsel wrapped around it. eew. i'm bringing it home on the 17th and giving it away to someone who values christmas more than i do.
don't get me wrong. i used to love christmas. i guess it's when you feel you're too old for gifts that you start developing a certain bête-noir for it. the tables are turned and you're expected to be handing out parcels to those little devils you call godchildren.
i'm the grinch in pink.
"No doubt about it. A vivacious, positive force like you needs to be represented by a color that warms up any room. That's why Golden Sunrise is the perfect color for you! There's nothing bland about you — in fact many would say you're a lively presence at any gathering! And speaking of gatherings, few are complete unless you can at least make a cameo appearance, spreading smiles, laughter, and sunshine in your wake. People can't help but light up when you walk in a room, which is the secret to how you get so much done in a day. Your sunny disposition makes you a pleasure to do business with, and that's why you're so good at making the world go around — at least your little corner of it. Nice work, Sunrise! So keep spreading those rays wherever you go!"
you try it.
"We don't need a psychic to tell us that you're giving off a Gold vibe. You couldn't ask for a better color — a glistening gold aura is as good as it gets. A lively blend of yellow and orange, gold people are happy, playful, energetic, sensitive, and generous. Always up for adventure, you'd give a friend in need the shirt off your back. You're spiritual, too — all those halos in old paintings aren't colored gold by coincidence. Almost childlike in the carefree, joyful way you live your life, you're popular and outgoing with your large circle of friends. Chances are you're so full of light and energy that you sometimes find it hard to sit still and chill out. Instead, you're constantly looking for excitement, no matter how risky or impulsive the occasion. Happy-go-lucky and always laughing, you truly are as good as gold."
i'm fixated with online tests. visit tickle to find out what color YOUR aura is.
i've fallen prey to that monthly curse called PMS and i'm walking the tightrope of self-restraint. i'm annoyed at every little sound, every little twitch and it takes incredible willpower (which i'm not privileged to have right now) not to just let everything slide. my cup of soup's helping, though. another 15 days to stick it out. i wonder if 7-11's carrying enough soup packets to last me that long.
i'm blowing smoke rings
my mind ablaze with memories
taunted by the past.
tainted by the past
i'm painting a future unsure
and my iced latté needs more caffeine.
i'm staring at the writings on the wall
that my conscience has written
and is daring me to forget.
will you stay with me
and hold my hand
and soothe my fears
until the dawn breaks
and i wake up in your arms
will you sing to me
of rainbows in the sky
and flowers in the summer fields
until the rainfall stops
and the sun dries my tears
You scored 10%
You are a respectable tuner. You probably subscribe to one or more tuner magazines and know, quite a bit about your car and/or racing in general. Either that or you play a shitload of GT3. At any rate, you recognize the difference between a wastegate and a blow-off valve. In time, and with practice, you may attain "Racer X" status since it is supposed that you are relatively new to tuning and still have much to learn. Keep, working, and thank the maker that you're not a ricer.
i read car mags in the john and i mess with my brother's gt3 saved games. so, are you a racer or a ricer?
my day's pretty mundane. been staring at the pc for five hours. i'm in the office and there's nothing to do. looking out the window would've been more gratifying if it were raining or king kong was climbing up the pacific star. well, the weather's cooperating and king kong's in hollywood so i'm stuck with my workstation.
there's something meditative about slurping my noodles, blasting away at aliens eating my fish, and listening to the ruckus krist's zergs are making on his pc. *sigh*
what is with cup noodles and yuppies? i'm a big fan of instant stuff. instant noodles, just-add-water-and-voila!-you've-got-yang-chow, and anything microwaveable. i brought chopsticks to work for noodle moments.
it's time to be one with the cosmos.
the ultrasound pictures of a pregnant frustrated racecar driver. (i can see myself on the examination table with KY jelly and the ultrasound probe moving over my belly.) this will be a loooong time forthcoming.
my winamp is blasting: metallica's call of ktulu
this is my third attempt at rewriting this entry. what the heck for? i won't call myself a perfectionist but writing is so far the only thing i feel merits perfectionism. i'm a little out of sync with my erudite mojo right now. hmm... i think i should listen to a little bach or beethoven to pick it up. nuh-uh.
i'm stuck at home. i've nothing to do and nowhere to go. it was payday last friday and the cash is still intact (except for that little stumble at the ukay-ukay). the banks are closed just when i'm feeling charitable towards my bank account. my boyfriend's out on a date with my brother. it's a "car + boys with moolah = left-out girlfriend" thing. there's nothing to watch on cable and my other brother hasn't replenished his dvd collection. i choose not to watch the artsy-fartsy films he has a penchant for buying. i'm not that bored. yet.
signing off on: collective soul's shine
shopping (as defined by paulo g.)- opportunity seeking with the funds in hand to generate the most desired profit that will satisfy all the stakeholders
went to megamall to shop but decided it was more fun to check out the local ukay-ukay for fun finds after almost 4 hours of walking around and not being able to buy anything. got me 3 scarves and 2 vintage tops. would post pics but too lazy to do so.
anyyway, this spiral made me dizzy. an interesting piece of collaborative art. See for yourself.
"i was a mountain so proud...
... i want you to be the river that flows beside the mountain."
i've long gotten off the fashion bandwagon and i hit the ground running. i'd rather not say i'm a fashion victim but i do have two cabinets and a chestful of clothes (more in the laundry bin and strewn all over my room), 2 racks of shoes (more in their boxes), 6 drawers of bags, loads of accessories and a headful of off-kilter ideas. my clothes exist for art's sake. harhar. who am i kidding?
dressing up is always a leisurely preoccupation for an ENFP such as me. there's a touch of romance and theatrics about putting on something really out of whack. i've an innate desire to "shock" or just caffeinate people for the day. heehee. i'd be a corporate mannequin one day, day after that i'm looking like a flaky college girl running off to class. today i'm a band member- all grunge but missing a pair of drum sticks or a really cool Fender. theatrics is the keyword here, people.
spare me the apologies.
i'm not listening.
share your heartaches with someone defenseless against the rantings of a psychotic.
i'm immune to trite and melodramatic utterances.
original post date: 10.11.2004/3:15pm
sweet. went out last saturday but the hundred bucks never left my pocket. i still have moolah for a tall iced latte at starbs or a couple of beers at aposento. on second thought, i'm swearing off the beer. for now. lousy truth serum.
i'm in a mental rut. there's a lot of stuff to write about but i couldn't make up my mind where to begin. hmm. saturday sounds good.
went to aposento to see liteswitch. their set sounded like my playlist but more mellow- dmb, tonic, and sister hazel queued. my playlist can be as colorful as my vocab with a mishmash of alternative and heavy metal thrown in with reggae, r&b, ambient and whatnot. anyway, i'm digressing.
the night started out with a coca-cola fix at brothers-rockwell. at a quarter to 10, aposento was in the view. nervous as hell, i took my first step (to freedom and everything else). good god! i was swimming in airheads! bwahahaha! this is gonna take some getting used to.
i was mostly quiet the rest of the night but my cheeks ached from laughing. was wary about the arm around my shoulder, but the hand in mine felt good.
disclaimer: i opt not to elaborate. the magic might fade.
addendum: isn't it obvious i was in stupid mode? sheesh.
a perfectly normal online conference between professionals:
pale_lips (1:16:16 PM): stands up and applauds
rowwrrr (1:16:32 PM): sits in one corner grumbling
pale_lips (1:16:39 PM): considers investing in mutual funds
Yahoo! Messenger (1:16:41 PM): kapopopoy has joined the conference.
Yahoo! Messenger (1:16:45 PM): jepazdesigntech has joined the conference.
rowwrrr (1:17:52 PM): taps her chin and pretends to be pensive
kapopopoy (1:18:06 PM): huh?
pale_lips (1:18:13 PM): listens attentively
rowwrrr (1:18:15 PM): =))
kapopopoy (1:18:54 PM): :))
pale_lips (1:19:02 PM): screams, "They killed kenny!"
pale_lips (1:19:07 PM): knows that the truth is out there
rowwrrr (1:19:19 PM): is holding the murder weapon
pale_lips (1:20:02 PM): palelips stabs jepazdesigntech
kapopopoy (1:20:25 PM): #:-S
pale_lips (1:21:33 PM): Hey room you can create custom emotions by editing the emote_user.dat file
rowwrrr (1:21:42 PM): huwaat?
kapopopoy (1:22:35 PM): hello
pale_lips (1:23:30 PM): invite pa tayo para mas masaya
pale_lips (1:23:33 PM): :))
rowwrrr (1:23:53 PM): takes jepazdesigntech's pulse and says, "i'm sorry, we can't save him"
pale_lips (1:23:59 PM): yells, "For Crying out loud!"
rowwrrr (1:24:11 PM): =))
pale_lips (1:25:00 PM): ponders, jepazdesign is currently having a deep sleep
jepazdesigntech (1:25:47 PM): I-)
Yahoo! Messenger (1:28:04 PM): jepazdesigntech has left the conference.
my apologies. was a little off today. haven't had my regular coke fix since morning and i'm missing my insaniquarium. looking forward to a late dinner with mum.
it's all about snuggles in bed
snatching kisses in between kitty naps in the crook of your arm
or that tiny little corner where your neck meets your shoulder
warm breaths and sweet nuzzling
i love how you taste oddly of my favorite toasted almonds.
the rose-red sky and the rain dance
aphrodisiac for a lovesick me.
original post date: 10.08.2004/11:27pm
truth is at the bottom of the bottle.
when the last drop of amber liquid is poured, truth will abandon its mask of stupor.
addendum: how true, how true.
original post date: 10.14.2004/11:25pm
it's been so long since
someone held my hand like this
someone got to me like this
and it's almost paris.
i'm under your spell.
you wave your wand and grant my wish
i close my eyes and await your kiss
and it's almost paris.
this is my romance.
my life starts and ends in your embrace
it's so much more than happiness
it's almost paris.
addendum: was suffering from undue post-breakup transference syndrome when i wrote this. nyaha.
the past two months was witness to a smorgasbord of bad choices. i chose to bare my sentiments to another person. bad decision. what was supposed to be my second chance at love turned out to be the most harrowing experience of my life. oh well. c'est la vie. i've tripped and gotten up and dusted off my jeans. that's that.
wrote this yesterday while fooling around, endlessly bugging krist for a decent website to visit.
i'm half asleep and i'm counting (bah) in my head.
(O)'s moving as sluggishly as a (sn).
i wish it were (S) and i was at the (ip), looking up at the (*) with a (B) in one hand and a ciggy in the other.
(L) will be (U) while rasta (8) is playing.
but hey, when the (#) comes up, (or when my head accidentally hits the table and i wake up), (C) will rescue me.
after i sent this to him on MSN v6, it was popcap for a little r&r.
addendum: krist sent me to eric conveys an emotion :: adventure edition. muhahaha. it wasn't pretty.
resurrected.
took a much needed sabbatical from blogging.
all of my previous posts are in draft mode.
rekindled dying (er... dead?) embers.
heehee! sparks are flying!
i cried last night.
i already had this speech in my head. i told myself i was going to be all tough on you and that if you bucked, i'd stand my ground. at first, you were angry. i expected that. but what you said next i didn't.
"you tell me "i love you" but then you push me away."
i was so wrapped up in my own pain that i never took yours into consideration. my god.
...something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn’t give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be. [more...]
you sounded so cold on the phone a few hours ago when i called to chat with your niece, my goddaughter. i have no right to take that against you. nor do i have the right to demand your friendship.
i do not know how to end this entry or close this chapter of my life. so there.
it was unnerving, finally hearing from you and reading the message you sent.
i look out the window and stare at the roof. i remember when we used to crawl to the edges and lay there on the uneven surface, not caring if the roof was dirty or if it was muggy or if my neighbors were looking at us like we were freaks. what mattered were the stars and the constellations and that we were together. we'd stay for hours until mom screamed at us to get off or the mosquitoes have had their fill.
i remember the time we had a picnic and we both fell asleep. the car was a few meters away and we left the keys in the ignition. what if someone ran off with the benz? haha. our parents would have killed us, but we didn't care, did we?
we did the stupidest things. we'd trade socks just for the heck of it. i'd slip your used shirt on my pillow just so i could fall asleep with "you" in my arms. i loved how you smell of baby powder and shampoo under Fahrenheit.
you loved naps. like a cat, you'd nod off on my lap while i played with your hair. i was fascinated with the shape of your nose and how you woke up, opening one eye first, peeking at me, and then finally opening both your beautiful eyes with those girly lashes. i saw the world in them.
i remember asking myself what good i did to deserve you. i remember mom telling me that you actually went to where she was hanging out with her friends, talked to her about your good intentions, drove her home, opened the gate for dad at 5 in the morning, all this while i was snoring my butt off in my room, oblivious to the most pivotal event in our relationship.
we should have kept us to ourselves. but we wanted so much to let everyone know about us. we wanted so much for them to witness our happiness that they got in the way. everyone and everything got in the way.
funny how i start remembering things just when i thought... nothing.
i'm scarred for life.
just when i start to doze off, i am reminded of you. i get cold all over and i am forced to get up from bed. i light a cigarette while shushing the whisper of guilt that you hate it when i sneak a smoke. you hate it when we go out and i teasingly say that i want a cold beer to go with my chicken. so i order a coke instead. you hate it when i want to hold your hand while walking around the mall. so you take my frickin' elbow. you hate it when i make goo-goo eyes at you in front of other people. so i've learned to arch my eyebrows simultaneously, hey, even successively, and look like i'm really into what you're saying. i even taught myself to dig the pc games you so loved just so we had something more in common. well, isn't that what i'm supposed to do? make myself into the barbie doll of your dreams?
like the fool that i've always been for you, i took it all in stride. love was a sacrifice, right? seven years and six months of pseudo-happiness. i must admit it wasn't always this way. i used to be actually happy. i WAS actually happy with just following you around like a stupid puppy, so the lousy cliché goes. but i'm not a barbie doll. i'm not even the skinny type. well, i used to be until nuggets and french fries were all i ate for lunch at work. i'm sure you wouldn't believe me that i starved myself to death just to look like your friends' girlfriends who discuss lipstick brands like they were talking about the latest Bush-Kerry debate. haha. i had a 22-in. waistline then. i haven't even weighed myself recently so pardon me if i'm as big as a cow. it was hard pretending not to be smart, and to know all about what's in the latest issue of Cosmo or Vogue when i'm the most fashion-stupid person around.
but no. that's all in the past. i'm on my seventh cigarette and it's almost 2am in the morning. i still have to go to work in a few hours. i'm trying so hard right now to recall the dies felices (happy days) but my mind draws a blank. i convince myself that i'm not affected by your not calling nor coming over. unfortunately, i am. but i'm so scared to pick up the phone and call you and break it to you gently that "I (truly) AM NOT HAPPY ANYMORE". knowing that when i do, you'd be all "hi skie!" like nothing happened and you'd just shrug off my "i'm not happy anymore" spiel. it's been a vicious cycle and we both know it. it has to end sometime. soon is best.
i'm lighting my last cigarette. raccoon eyes isn't a fashion trend nowadays.
you knew exactly how to hurt me.
you wielded my affection like a sword.
i let my guard down and you struck me.
but i forgave you.
listening to: liteswitch on 88.3
i can't live without...my coca-cola fix.
if only i could...i'd be out of the house and on the road to anywhere.
i don't want to be...lonely, but that doesn't mean i don't relish quality time with myself.
i want to meet...the real van wilder.
i want to be...a hitchhiker or, even better, a host on one of discovery channel's travel shows.
i want to eat...strawberry ice cream. haagen-dazs.
i miss my...best friend, tetch.
i dream about...independence.
i want to get...sugar-high.
i'm planning to have...a looong vacation. impossible you say? hah. i'm getting to it.
i want to change my...sleeping habits.
i want to quit...smoking. not.
i love my...laughter. it's contagious.
i hate...airheads.
i'm proud to be...me.
i'm not regretting my...past. i'm stronger because of it.
tomorrow i'm going to...work. darnit.
too laid back to blog. more about me, the earth horse, here.
so this is what it's like. nobody told me it would be this hard. even the nightly pep talks from tetch couldn't have prepared me for this. i am so anxious to pick up the phone and dial his number, yet i fear being greeted by the dreaded busy tone. i don't want to end 7 years over the gray phone in the living room. 7 years, 6 months and blah blah days. it's our monthsary on the 14th. beer couldn't save me now. i need to get out of the house but i couldn't. sheesh. i wouldn't get far with only a hundred bucks in my pocket. updates soon.
nobody could have said it better than quentin tarantino...
"when you are tired of relationships, try a romance."
no, i'm not pasting any of their lyrics here, but bridge's johnoy was magnanimous enough to drop by (in homeboy glamor) for a little chitchat and pseudo-counseling after i told him about how sapul their Kahit Na, Uncertainty, and April Fools were. yuck. he was my dr. love last night. harhar.
seems like everyone has the same opinion. have i been away long? i suppose 7 years off the dating circle IS awfully un-short.
it scares me to take the first step.
raaackstaars and their new age relationships. bah.
"i kill you! i kill you!"
it seems this threat isn't effective on ym. that guy's incorrigible. he'd greet me "hey!" and promptly starts asking really nosy (and sometimes painful) questions and wouldn't let up. tell me i'm wrong. jeezus. i swear he's the devil's advocate. good thing he doesn't know my mobile or i'm sure he'll be bugging me everytime he's on a break. sheesh. well, i put my phone on flight mode just in case.
today's reading
health: moderate. getting worse promptly.
physical: beaten.
emotional: high.
intellectual: er... but it's getting better!
i'm 9695 days old today. wonder what to do with that piece of crap.
went to 70's last night to watch bridge and stonefree. got into an unspoken "whoever drinks fastest wins!" thing with a couple of friends from work even before the gig started. i just wanted an excuse to get wasted. muhahaha.
ok. i'm tired of talking in riddles. i never run out of things to say, i just run out of ways to say them.
made an SOS call to my best friend, tetch. no gurly chitchat. i used to be the one giving her advice and now i'm seeking hers.
gave her the 411 on my lovelife. better done with a couple of cold beers but manageable on the phone. we figured i needed freedom. not another relationship. no commitments. she told me i wasn't being fair to myself or to anyone for that matter.
more on this. i'm going home.
i don't ask to be rescued.
i'm used to gasps of freedom.
ive wakened from sleepless nights.
i'm queen of the full moon.
desperation my kingdom.
loneliness my king.
i dream of running.
yet i rise to the dawn.
hey, morpheus, do your magic.
let me breathe my brand of air.
mesmerized by glowing amber.
smoke stung my left eye.
sheesh.
obsessing on keeping the ash off me.
ow!
thinking too much.
too close for comfort.
i'm drunk.
but i've never been more sober.
i started a revolution.
wake me up when it's over.
i've flipped the switch.
i've tipped the waiter.
broke a heart.
hey, dude, where's the glass of water?
you won't understand even if i explain.
you're hearing's good, but your heart has made it faint.
i can talk all night and you could pretend to listen.
but, in the end, it wouldn't have made a difference.
can you see
i'm not ordinary
i'm not your casual tuesday
i'm not your friday night
can you see
i'm nothing special
i'm just vanilla ice cream
with the occasional fruit and nut
can you see
i'm not from around here
i have friends on neptune
i'm famous with the martians
can you see
i'm not who you're thinking
i'm weird and unusual
i'm the miracle that God didn't plan.
hey, world. looks like you won again.
i wanted sunshine, you brewed a storm.
i only had a tuna sandwich; they ran out of roast beef.
the mayo is stuck at the back of my throat.
why can't we agree for once?
please give my tomorrow another chance.
people-watching.
my favorite hobby.
i'm bored.
the weather hasn't been nice to me today.
no one's wearing my favorite color.
damn.
i'm feeling crappy, pappy.
do something vile for a change.
bittersweet.
the taste of chocolate.
rollercoaster bum.
i need ice cream.
wake me up next year.
i am rebel.
i am coward.
i am fool.
i am fraud.
i am saint.
i am loser.
i don't need no one.
i own this side of the galaxy.
hold me close.
keep me closer.
clip my wings.
tie me down.
chain my hands.
cage my soul.
or lose me to another.
i am a superhero, all bruised and bleeding.
my cape is torn.
my mask askew.
savoring a cocktail of shame, guilt, and crimson tonic.
i just saved the world from me.
i have never known a life outside my safe little box.
now the cover's off, you lift me out, and i am so lost.
please put me back, cover or none, i'll be content with just looking up once in a while.
i've been cut by the jagged edge of sobriety.
there's blood on my shirt and on the sheets.
damn. that'll stain.
still want a piece of me?
better get in line then.
i can't be trusted.
i don't have the answers to the questions your eyes are asking.
je suis bête.
i'd like to shut up now.
my eyes are saying too much.
wish it were as simple as that.
if only you weren't such a breath of fresh air.
*sigh*
who am i lying to now?
maybe i was just being silly.
then maybe not.
don't you just hate me?
my pain an anesthetic.
i'm hiding behind shallow laughter.
my food needs no salt, it's msg-free.
i'm not eating it, anyway.
what am i so afraid of?
the bogeyman crouches beneath my bed, just biding his time.
sandman can't save me.
i saw the world.
you were holding it in your hand.
i wanted to take it but i was clutching something else.
i saw your soul.
you were giving it to me in a heart-shaped box.
i turned it down because i thought it was chocolates.
i can't believe it.
i've got nothing more to say.
i have a headache from choking back my tears.
i said we'd work it out.
not tonight.
three cheers for the independent me.
Vae!
i'm captain wildchild and you're my first mate.
i've run out of smokes just when i needed a marlie moment.
beer sounds really sweet right now.
hand me one with my name on it, please.
what was i thinking?
i'm hearing sugar.
