i am mortal

i cried last night.
i already had this speech in my head. i told myself i was going to be all tough on you and that if you bucked, i'd stand my ground. at first, you were angry. i expected that. but what you said next i didn't.

"you tell me "i love you" but then you push me away."

i was so wrapped up in my own pain that i never took yours into consideration. my god.

...something was calling me to find another path, to discover what my dreams could become, to explore everything that I could be. I longed for adventure, for experience, for knowledge. Please understand that I loved you, but I couldn’t give you my self without fully knowing who I was. I had to be certain I was the person you believed me to be. [more...]

you sounded so cold on the phone a few hours ago when i called to chat with your niece, my goddaughter. i have no right to take that against you. nor do i have the right to demand your friendship.

i do not know how to end this entry or close this chapter of my life. so there.